What's okay in your community? Toastmaster

I have been part of different communities in my life.

Some I was born into (Dominican) or spoken the language (Spanish). Others I struggle to learn (the language of money and finance and self development). Other communities transcend language, and go into values and morals. (what Do you believe in so strongly you are willing to die for?)

We need a plan for our lives. The moment we are born, we are being told what to do and what to accept. We get out the womb and we cry our first cry, we have to interact with the air and not the amniotic fluid of the womb.

What else have you done that makes you uncomfortable lately?  We come to a place, we must learn the rules, then we do our best to follow the rules. Dome of us are rule breakers and refuse to conform to rules, that comes from a distrust of authority. Some of us have never, ever, ever, had the thought.

What if I could make my own rules? Some of us, and we have earned the right to do so with money. We have bough a house or an apartment and it felt good to have no one around to tell you to do the dishes. Unless you like being told what to do, and then got in a relationship that is similar to what you are used to. 

Iyanla show was interesting. Everyone was like, NO. Complete lack of being self aware. Iyanla said it like it was. I think she has been broke, she had to pick up the pieces. She can see beyond because she has been there. When she said the old lady is selfish, entitled, feels like she's owed something. and when she said the dad played the mom and the daughter against each other, and used money to play her. and how Lisa is using money to control her daughter. It was deep.

Iyanla said how you going to tell a 30 year old that she is not grown? she slept with a guy and had a baby and she's not grown? all under one roof due to corona. The mon cant' stand her daughter. The daughter speaks, and the mom starts reacting physically right away. Lisa got to crying with tears about her daddy. Mom was mad when the daughter went to live with her dad. Mad at a 10 year old.

Similar to my dad. He said why didn't you call me? Lack of accountability that runs deep. And we parent out of the brokeness that we have been through. See Auris? Even when you think you relax, these things they become a part of you. You must talk about them. I experience life, what comes out is writing, thoughts and art. 

I am finding my voice. Part of that is spending time alone not listening to anything. That is very hard for me. Inconclast show when Dave met Maya Angelou. He said he likes to write with people and noise around. She said she writes in complete silence. I'm more of the silent. But to be honest when I went clubbing one time with Faith, I wrote. In the loud noise, all I could hear was my thoughts. I got on a corner and I wrote.  There have been other thoughts like that.

One time I went to the Met with Isaura and Alex. I left. I was so overwhelmed by emotion, all the emotion that the exhibit made me feel. I felt disregarded and unimportant as another person in a crowd to be walked aside and ignored. I hate the feeling of being ignored, unacknowledged. Maybe that's why I don't like being in family. Its not about me. It's about the older generation and their stories and I have heard them and yeah, I don't like to hear them complaining. 

I love when I would go and I would hear something new, something that they only shared in moments where I was there. like the time grandma told me about her dad and how he left in the boat and he threw pennies at them, and the kids were picking it up. she kept saying he didn't throw them for her. this feeling of I am not loved, I am not cared for. This brokenness she carries inside like a duty. She got good credit, she worked in factories and saved.

Tia Ludin said that Mamai saved making $5 an hour. Sister said, we can make $11 dollars an hour work. People have always been interested in showing me how to make broke work. Go to these stores, the discount stores. Go to this government building, that's how you will get daycare. Everyone was so knowledgably about the government program to use, how to live and how to pay for daycare. 

I was upset because I never found anyone to watch Alex so that I could get a job. But it wasn't their duty. And to be honest, I only asked once and felt rejected ever since. What I need is acknowledgement. the knowledge that I make a difference, that there is a reason for me being here.

People in Georgia get upset when I have to leave. I don't understand them because I wasn't supposed to be here anyway. 

Jane: $280 is a great price for TV. Went to Best buy. I bought it online at 4am. That's the reason why God woke me up. sometimes best buy doesn't update the system, he brought it out and said this is the last. you bought online and picked it up in person. you wait to pick it up, the next day. they've done that before with Best Buy. 

God is making a way for you. India Arie interview, I learned that we can say NO at any time.

Jane: Amazon Fire has been installed. Plus for me. Yeah I'm just excited. God keeps bringing me wins. 

Theraphy:

Auris: I need to get paid. I'm gonna focus on making money. The only have given Steve, he has work for me to make money. I have concrete, what to do and how do I get paid. Another, I'm gonna start motivational speaking. One tip, $27 seminar. I learned that you just have to speak for free. You get someone to record you. focus on the activity, the money comes later. I basically get up off the couch. meet the girls that I want to help. 

I need to make own table, Beyonce said. 

I'm not getting what I need. And you want me to keep going. I've been going to church without wanting to for the past 6 months. i was so scared of disappointing people at the church, that I was fine disappointing myself. showing up for you has a cost, personal cost to me. 

Jane: someone else is going to help with the camera. I was thinking about their needs and not my needs.

Jane: wow, that's crazy. they are controlling who they want to sing. I'm not good enough, is this I didn't baptism. this idea, that I'm not enough. I've been showing for a year. One time, Eddie told, you are not Adventist. I'm going to your church. I'm learning the stuff. why would you tell me I'm. what is the purpose 

I literally I felt like I was looking like meat on a table, are you acceptable. Am I good seed. all this crap. I feel when it happened I just took it. Now a year, later, I'm getting mad. no he didn't do that! 

Jane: Eddie character, sees me like I can give her advice. I can semi control her. Dumb, stupid.

Auris: This is why I have a 3 year rule. I don't like to date men older than 3 years. This is why. Every time an old guy to talk to me, its always this I what I want in a woman and you need to conform to my idea of who you should be.

Jane: I was dating this guy that 35. 

Auris: You wat not dating anyone, you were living your life. he was dating you. my mom was like they want to control you, sees you like a child. not a healthy balance. I don't want you to go through what I went through. 

Auris: Don't bother me. I naturally start conform. I don't even realize. its until I'm not in that environment to make feel better around me.